hohoho there is grass growing here already.
sophie was here :D
ilu

You can call me Goldfish.

well, i dont know if it is an upgrade or a downgrade. i am more or less became a Goldfish. probably because of my short term memory.

my girlfriend kept bugging me to blog about stuffs, but as time goes by and stuffs get snowballed, dont you just wanna . . . skip the whole shit and just talk about recent things?

alright, what i am going to share with you guys is:

6 REASONS why i dont think i need a license at the moment of my life(22 years old).

Reason number 1.

I dont have a car.

in the past, my family has a car. but thanks to my dad, who drank and drive, the car got impounded. and his license got revoked as well. and hence, after that, we lost our car. apparently, a house without license dont need to own a car, and find no reason to own one.

Reason number 2.

I cant afford a car.

since there is no family car, might as well get one right? but who will pay for all the taxes and fuel? definitely not my dad, since he is too lazy to retake his license. me? transiting to adult life makes my wallet shrink, as well as my pocket my bank account my etc. i cant even own an iPhone.

Reason number 3.

Car parks. Pfft.

even with the rise of COE and fuel prices, there are still tons of cars on Singapore roads. with that many cars, there is bound to be enough place to whole all of them right? WRONG. finding car park spaces is a serious problem out there. i can take a public transport and reach a place in 30 minutes, while i can, too, drive a car to the same place in 10 minutes, and spend the next 20 minutes to find a parking lot. cost effective? Hell no. and the 20 minutes varies. it all goes down to luck. if i am lucky, 1 minute will be enough. if i am not, i might circle to different car parks in order to get that blockhead parked. and sometimes, i probably walk another 1 km to the place i really want to go.

Reason number 4.

Traffic jams.

to me, traveling to crowded places is not as efficient as last time using a car. because EVERYONE is traveling to the same place. and because not everyone is a safe driver, accidents do happen. and when it happens, it doesnt affect the party involved with the accident, it affects EVERYONE. well, only EVERYONE who is so unlucky enough to travel on the same path on the same direction to the same destination. and in the end, public transport will be even faster to reach either home or destination (bus and taxi might accept the same fate with all the road users, but MRT wouldnt *wink*)

Reason number 5.

I cannot multitask.

Driving means Driving. Eyes in front, on the left mirror, on the top mirror, on the right mirror and back at front. Hands on steering wheel or that stick on the left, or right if not in Singapore. the most you can do is talk about how sucky the traffic has become and pray there is no jam because of either road closure or accidents. On the other hand, if i am on a bus or MRT, i could get to my destination, at the same time (varies, ALOT.), and read my book, do my math, surf the web, masturbate, wait, wrong. cancel last.

What i mean is i can do a lot of things at the same time and get to the place i want to be. MAGIC!

Reason number 6.

Save the Earth.

people probably going to say i am just another retarded thinking that my one little effort is going to extend the Earth's life span. well, if everything thinks like that, of course Earth is doomed. what i am saying is, FOR NOW, i dont need a car. i can, for as long as i could, dont use that hell bounded vehicle that is killing Earth slowly. i can save some fuel to power the power stations to power my, lets say, laptop.

... ...

i am not saying that i will NEVER drive in the future. i am just implying that, for now, 22 years old, i dont see the point of getting a 4 wheels. i am still in the military, i am going to start schooling, i am not going to work anytime soon. Equate that to ... I HAVE NO MONEY!

and hence, i start to whine and nag and complain, and made up this 6 reasons just to soothe myself.

well on the good side of note, i just finish my close combat training. i am going for 2 oversea trip in the month of July. i am going to ORD, soon.

and then back to mugging. *insert Mug picture*

Not in the state of mind

I dont know what i want.

I dont know what i dont know.

But,

I do know what i dont want.

That is to leave you.

What i dont want in the future.

behold, long lost entry. with a tint of sadness.

things got me worked up, and i feel all of a sudden, very sad. so a little background of what my train of thoughts led me.

so, i come from a complete family, with a father, and a mother, and a sister, plus a brother. but that is what filled up the picture frame. though people say pictures speaks a thousand words, you dont find this picture anywhere in my house.

so what we dont have a family photo? what does it constitute to? well, not that i demand a family picture, but for what i can say is, we are drifting apart, long time ago, till a point i dont even know we can get back or not.

since secondary school, kids like my age tend to be more rebellious. what does that mean? it would mean not listening to adult's advice, acting like an adult but an immature one, having fun at first priority, etc.

and hence, i spend more time with friends than family. and probably from a habit, it became a lifestyle. and it is not good i would say. i dont "connect" with my family, at all, for years. i know nothing of what my family do, what they like i have forgotten, what they really want i dont recall. and whenever i get home, each of us is in its own world.

i dont know how close my siblings are to my parents and vice versa, but i know one thing, I am not close to all my family members. what they know of me, is just a memory. like the stuffs i like to eat, are things of a past. my mother would think i love them in the past, and i would love them now, but do i? that is just an example.

and recently activities like my brother is getting upset because of a broken heart, me being the eldest, i can do nothing to help him. he just painstakingly endured it, without anyone helping him. parents not around, sister couldnt be much of a help, and i just . . . sms him.

i couldnt face him. i couldnt be right next to him, giving him man to man talk. i could do it to anyone in my army's battery, but i cant do it with him. and i seriously have no idea why.

and my parents, i have no idea what are they thinking. though we can manage living on our own, but i can see from my sister's eyes she missed them, a lot. and my brother, trying to act tough as usual, missed them too.

i missed them too, but i guess they just cant feel it, all the way from here.

so back to the topic, what i dont want in the future, is to see my family fall apart. from our lifestyle, we are not bonded, at all. but we are to drift even more, i guess i couldnt call it a family anymore. though we are bonded by blood, but the things we do, seriously, what are we?

i can rant and rant all i want, but it cant change anything. i am one of the cause of the problem too. and now my brother is picking up my footstep. THIS IS NOT GOOD.

i dont want to go back home and just face the walls.
i dont want to go back home and all i do is just smile at my mom and she just smile back like nothing is wrong.
i dont want to go back home and all we do is just facing the technology like TV or monitor screen and get on with life like this.

this is not home. this is not home.

it has to start somewhere. I have to start somewhere.

But where?

I am lost.

Back

well i touched down 2 days ago. and thailand wasnt fun.

laze at home, is a good thing. if you pick the correct company. =)

thailand again.

i am leaving on an airplane tomorrow. literally.

i am a mistake

ahh. it's been long. what i see from my last post, i am suppose to write some flame post. as far as i see, i dont have the feeling anymore. what i want to say, if you continue to put up your fucking attitude, you will cry alone at your own deathbed.

i am such a failure.

why cant i remember important things? are these important things not important to me? why cant i just fucking remember? why my mind blanked out when situation happened?

i so fucking hate myself. i am not fit to. i dont deserve to.

why do i promise to change, but still revert back the same?

why cant i remember what i promise?

i am a mistake. i am an error. i am not fit to live, to love, to survive.

it is suppose to be a nice outing, before i fly, but it ended so miserably. why. WHY

i screwed up. i am screwed up. i screwed it up.

pathetic. i hate myself. once again.